5/05/2006

Kai's tanka

Kai's tanka

I've seen pink moon
just only silver stone ball
in the sky lightning
darling pale blue clouds close in
casting away the landscape
~`
copyright ©2006 kai croft


I don't know if this is a tanka or not. But I tried to make it into a one form. one particular Japanese
form of a poetic verse, which almost close to a  haiku. I did a haiku before. It was no easy. I have to think some syllables in the third line of a sentence
and even the last line. I had a hard time with the process of a haiku. but i have fun with it. I even had my mom to help me.


With this process of  my own tanka, I know it has 5 lines  the first line & the third has 5 syllables. the rest has 7 syllables...i went to some poetry blogs & some tanka sites.
I thought thee type of poems are cool and full of inspiration so I decided to make one of my own.

So what do u think of m first tanka?  I've tried my best......

6 comments:

Shane said...

looks good to me. I've never wrote a tanka before, but the guy on my list of blogs "Tanka by Robert D. Wilson" is a master of the art.

Poetry by Kai said...

thanks shane

Pat Paulk said...

Kai, I've found haiku and tanka very hard for me. But then, my brain hates organization and just prefers bouncing off the walls. I think your first try is very good and you should continue writing more. Your poetry is a pleasure to read.

Aurora said...

Kai, this is good! You don't have to count syllables anymore in tanka or haiku in the English language, it's more important to pay attention to breaths. With tanka, you should be able to read the poem with just two breaths. If you don't mind my suggestion, I would write your tanka this way:

pink moon
silver stone ball
in the sky's lightning --
darling pale blue clouds close in
casting away the landscape

Now I'll spend all day thinking about that pink moon.....:)

Carol said...

Hi Kai,
I get caught up into counting the syllables too. I read somewhere that the syllables are different in English. It is more the rhythm, I think but I don't get it yet. I will have to try Aurora's advice. How many breaths in a haiku?

robert wilson said...

Hello, Kai. You are on the right track. You write with beautiful imagery. Tanka is like haiku in that it has a lot to do with breathing. Do not "tell all,"
mix in a little ambiguity (yugen) and makoto (reality and beauty), and forget the adherence to a strict 5/7/5/7/7 syllable formula. Japanese syllables have shorter sounds than those used in the English language. Read some books of tanka poetry translated by Steven D. Carter as a start. Especially,
Unforgotten Dreams, showcasing the tanka poetry of Shotetsu.

Aurora is a seasoned poet and offers some good advice. Here is another possibility regarding your tanka:

i see a pink moon,
a silver stone ball tinted
with lightening . . .
pale blue clouds close in,
casting away the landscape

by Kai

------


robert wilson
www.tankafields.blogspot.com